4/16/2023 0 Comments Dont sleep out of self hatred![]() When I was high I used to think to myself, “Imagine you were this confident and unstoppable but didn’t need cocaine to get you there.” Just imagine! It also meant that I had something in common with people who I usually wouldn’t associate with.Ĭocaine turned me into a version of myself that was confident and unstoppable. I was then introduced to cocaine when I was twenty and that became my favorite drug of them all. It was a little bit riskier and more dangerous, but it didn’t matter because I didn’t matter. Eventually, ecstasy became boring and I started experimenting with pure MDMA. ![]() Like most users, I tried to relive that feeling every time I popped a pill. I still remember the first time an e hit my bloodstream. I started going to festivals and was introduced to ecstasy. Then I entered the permanent hangover I now call my twenties. People would say they envied my life-how I had zero Fs for the world around me-but what most people failed to see was that, in reality, I had zero Fs for myself. Every party girl has a backstory, but in my case, no one cared enough to find out. You know, you should never judge a party girl. ![]() This also led to the introduction to a string of dysfunctional people I’d come to call my friends. A year before, alcohol repelled me now it was my savior. So I did what most young people do when they’re nineteen and single: I started my clubbing career and my relationship with Jack Daniels. It was my fault because by staying, I was asking for it. It was my fault because surely I was doing something wrong that would trigger him to hit me. It was my fault for not leaving, particularly after the first time he hit me. It was my fault that I let him treat me the way that he did. It was my fault for holding onto those first six months and hoping the real him would return. I forgave him long before I forgave myself, which led me to a path of unconscious self-destruction. I internalized the trauma to such an extent that I carried the shame, guilt, and pain with me throughout my twenties. Worst of all, he stripped me of my right to feel human, true to the nature of how insidious an abusive relationship can be. I don’t want people liking you more than me.” He also told what to wear and I had to ask permission if I wanted to go out. He told me when to speak-“ Don’t be too funny, Adriana. I had two friends who begged me to walk away, but no matter how powerless I felt, their concerns meant nothing to me. He threatened my life if I didn’t listen to him or if I dared to tell anyone the truth. He psychologically raped me, repeatedly telling me, “Who’s gonna love you when I’m done with you?” He even sodomized me. Over the course of the ten months that followed, he routinely beat me, and I covered up the evidence to protect him. I was convinced he was the one I’d spend the rest of my life with, and at seventeen my hunt for a husband was over. The first six months together were filled with happiness. I fell in love with the wrong person when I was seventeen. I am here to introduce you to my self-hatred, which you don’t see each time I post a filtered photo on my Instagram page. I’m not writing about the sugarcoated life many have engaged with on my social media feeds over the years. I felt my body slowly shut down as each minute passed by, and ironically, it was the first time in a long time that I felt alive. So, I swallowed forty panadol pills, two at a time, within thirty minutes. ![]() If I were going to die, I’d rather die by my own accord, not his. I’d survived an abusive relationship that, I believed, left me with no other choice but to end my own life. I’d had a near cervical-cancer scare not once, but twice within a six-month period, leaving my gynecologist back in Sydney speechless. When I look back at my life, I realize it was inevitable that I’d end up here.īy the time I was nineteen, I’d already had a history of self-harm through cutting, a bi-product of my depression and anxiety. TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of sexual assault and self-harm and may be triggering to some people.
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